☆ (reissaidan) wrote,

reissaidan

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Shards : broken!Onkey

shards. [g]
broken!onkey, mentions of jongkey. {onew's POV}
onew spills his soul to key in his mind, everything that he's feeling about this miserable, confusing situation which is making him spiral way out of control.

GAH, I HAVEN'T FICCED IN AGES. T3T

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The tears that I cry, they spell your name in blood that bleeds from my heartbreak and that's the reason why, when they course down my face like this, I don't have to look into the mirror to know that it's because of you.

This love was never meant to be, I know, even though it looks pretty in photographs and the way you casually put your arm around my shoulders and make your peace sign while grinning beautifully at the camera, you never really know how it feels to me, and though when I look at the pictures afterwards and everyone says we look so great together, I don't say a word because every time I smile in one of those pictures, somehow later on, only I can see that it's a cracked smile, a smile that reflects every bit of my pain, yet is disguised well enough for the world to be fooled by my fake emotions.

We all have our place in this world, and ours, all five of us, is here in Korea in this boyband of dysfunctional teenage boys, and I'm always amused by how you love taking control as the mother figure, but for the life of me I've never been able to figure out why I'm called the father. Just because I'm the leader, but even so that's only because I'm the oldest.

I smile the same way I do in those photographs whenever you insist we're a family and insist on reminding us of our roles: me as the father, you as the mother, Taemin as our most beloved youngest son, Jonghyun as the daughter (which isn't hard even for a failure like me to figure out why), and Minho as the son (or was it son-in-law? I have no idea, since Minho spaces out most of the time anyway and isn't half as interested in the family as you are). It seems so perfectly planned out, so well figured, but of course, things are never as they seem.

Our flawless family picture is torn because even if you continue saying that we're the umma and appa of this band and that you love me so, so much, the rest of us aren't fooled by how much time you spend with Jonghyun, even if you two claim that you're just best of friends. Taemin doesn't say a word--that kid just smiles and leaves be, never one for demand and interrogation, our Taemin--and Minho never says a word, of course. Me? I just stand by the side and smile like the both of them do, except that my smile in comparison to theirs is bitter, weak and broken, because they're not affected by you and Jonghyun the way your relationship affects me.

Mianhe.

I don't need to hear the word that makes me die a little more inside each day, when you come back from Jonghyun's room late in the night and see me still wide awake, staring blankly at the wall, just waiting for you. I don't need to, because even if you don't say anything at all, the only thing I can do is smile the same melancholy smile that seems to be a permanent part of me at you and say, "It's okay."

And then you'd smile back at me, apologetically, and slide into bed and plant a light kiss onto my cheek and I hate it so very much, because it's not okay, and everything about this is driving me out of my mind.

I'm going absolutely insane--I just can't seem to find a way to tell you how I feel, that I really, really do love you and this is not just some fucking boyband-parenting thing, because I'm too nice and smile, smile, smile whenever you throw your arms around Jonghyun or put your head in his lap or against his shoulder or try feeding him and the first thing he does immediately afterwards is look straight at me, not to make me jealous but with eyes of genuine concern, because we're shocked about how you're surprisingly dense he knows.

In fact, come to think of it, the entire band knows. I just hope to God you don't, or maybe you wouldn't be murdering me with your beautiful smile each day.

Everything that I've just said, I'm sorry. I will never be able to tell any of it to you, unless someday I find the strength and courage to sit you down and talk. That won't be for a very, very, very long time, and I'm being stupid for not making my move, but I'm scared, Kibum, I'm so, so scared. My heart's already in bleeding pieces but God help me if it gets stomped on if ever the day comes for me to tell you this. I may have gone crazy deep inside, but on the outside I'm still clinging on to my sanity, still being SHINee's Onew, and I don't want this comfort world, the place where Lee Jinki speaks his mind, to shatter. I hope you understand that, even if you'd never be able to hear this, ever.

And for now, life shall go on.
 
Tags: fandom: shinee, pairing: onew/key
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